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Nearer my God to Thee
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Elizabeth learning that she can speak to animals, as well as one of the, apparently flying dolphins.
On the evening of April 14, 1912 the Titanic, long thought the greatest vessel ever built, struck an iceberg and, over the course of almost three hours, sank to the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. 1500 people lost their lives in the dark, icy abyss and it remains, even today, one of the worst nautical disasters in history.
Except apparently that was all just a "misunderstanding" and none of that really happened because a couple of talking mice, a super intelligent dog, a British heiress and her Gypsy prince lover, along with talking magical dolphins and the goddamn Kraken managed to save everyone from the evil whaler and his scheming shark friends.
I assure I did not just suffer a stroke. What I did just suffer was watching Italy butcher, not only one of the worst nautical tragedies of all time, but also the art of animation at the same time.
Mouse Overboard
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The adorable Kraken, sinker of ships and destroyer of all he sees fit.
The story is told by our main character, a mouse named Connors, telling the tale of the Titanic to his grandkids since he was on the Titanic. Basically, while the humans were boarding the Titanic, so too were a shitload of mice. Conners is a sailor of some sort, who falls in love with a girl mouse and becomes friends with her Brazilian soccer playing little brother who's name is apparently Ronny.
Meanwhile Elizabeth, the daughter of a British Duke, is lamenting at the idea of marrying a guy that looks an awful lot like Phil Ken Sebben. Also, there's a Gypsy prince hanging out with his super intelligent dog. Elizabeth and Don Juan (seriously) fall in love immediately too, but their love can never be because they are just two different people.
If this sound familiar that's because this is a really, REALLY messed up version of the plot of James Cameron's magnus opus from two years prior.
Anyway, some stupid stuff happens, and the mice learn that the whaling dude Elizabeth is supposed to marry is super evil, and Elizabeth gains the ability to speak to animals because magic, and then Don Juan learns to speak with animals because magic, and the Phil Ken Sebben looking dude is super evil. Eventually he does away with subtlety and hires his shark friends to sink the ship.
Did I mention that, for no explained reason, the American whaling magnate can speak to, and control, sharks? Sharks that all speak with a Brooklyn accent and wear prison clothes? No, good.
The sharks convince the Kraken, who looks suspiciously like a mouse himself, to hurl an iceberg at the Titanic and the ship does what it's best known for and starts sinking. Tentacles, the fucking beast of the abyss, feels bad and decides to save everyone on the Titanic from their watery graves. He apparently dies, and so does a character that we're supposed to know and love, but everyone else gets out ok.
Finally in New York the survivors (read: everyone because no one died apparently) gather for Elizabeth and Don's wedding, and also the mice have a wedding too because why not. Then it;s revealed that Tentacles, horror to every sea man and terror of the seven seas, is actually alive, and so is that mouse that died. Everyone is happy and there's a party and the end.
Che cazzo, anche?
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The look of slack-jawed horror mirroring my own.
"When I think of Italy the first thing that pops into my head is definitely their animation!"
Is a sentence that no one has ever uttered. The art style and animation are both clearly attempts at Japanese anime, but without any of the style or ability that the medium can provide. Characters don't look horrible when their not moving, which is unfortunate because they're constantly moving. Animation looks weird, like it was animated well below the normal 24fps of an anime, then sped up to match it, then had some frames removed for no reason.
There is no lip sync whatsoever. None. For the mice their mouths are wide open whenever they're speaking, making it seem as though their lines are just guttural utterances spilling from the endless void. Humans fair a little better, but it's still never correct. I realize that, like most anime, this movie wasn't made for English and that trying to match English lines over characters speaking a different language is difficult, but most animes, even shitty ones, manage to at least give it a try. Here the mouths just open and close randomly, no where near in time with what's being spoken, so half the dialogue comes out despite the character's mouth actually being open.
The plot, as recapped above, is obviously insane, but what's worse is the audacity this film has and the blatant disregard for anything factual about the Titanic. Listing the historical inacuracies would take me a whole other article, so let's just stick with the most insane:
* The explanation for how Elizabeth get's her ability to speak to mice is that her tear split a moon beam in half and the dolphins cast magic on it.
* Because of that Don Juan can speak with animals because "their souls are intertwined" or something.
* This is disregarded because for no reason Elizabeth's father can perfectly understand the mice later.
* The ship's captain is, at best, unqualified for his job. For no reason he tells the crew to reduce speed to half. When the ship hits the iceberg he immediately incites panic and does nothing to help.
* The mice decide the best way to stop a transmission from going out is to completely wreck all of the ship's internal wiring. When the shop starts sinking one of the mice decides to sacrifice himself to save everyone by acting as a wire (more specifically his mustache acts as the wire). He dies, but not really because he comes back with no explanation, even after the ship sinks.
* Despite jumping into the freezing Atlantic, none of the characters are cold, or even wet, when emerging.
* Accepting that everyone was saved by the Kraken -which is insane but ok- the film still has the audacity to have the band play "Nearer my God to Thee" which is what the actual Titanic band played as they sank into the ocean.
Sinking Ship
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HA HA! Whaling!
The Legend of the Titanic is an impressively terrible film, one that surpassed my expectations and resides in the depths of bad movie hell alongside Food-Fight for worst animated feature. It's an unbearable, uncomfortable watch and absolutely psychotic to boot.
What's worse is that while watching this movie and doing research on it, I was informed that, for reasons unknown, this is actually one of three different, unconnected Italian animations concerning the Titanic. It's the worst one to boot, but by how much remains to be seen. Join me again when the legend continues.
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