Looking at: Mario platformers

Super Jump Man

Mario is, hands down, the most well known video game character ever made. If you ask people who have never touched a gaming console in their lives to tell you one video game character, they'll probably at least somewhat describe the red suspenders wearing plumber. 

2015 marks Mario's 30th anniversary, and to mark the occasion I thought I'd rank the Mario platformers, worst to best, since these are Mario at his finest. Here are all eleven 2D mario platformers, starting at the bottom:

11 - Super Mario Land (Gameboy)

I'm placing this one at the bottom for two reasons:

1) It's the only one on the list I've never played very much

2) It's not all that great regardless. 

I realized while researching this game that SML is actually the first Mario game I ever did play, specifically on my friend Josh's black and white gameboy at recess in grade 1. Unfortunately that gameboy just wasn't really up to the task of creating a full Mario experience, and while the game may play decently, there's a host of issues, ranging from limited level design, and the smallest amount of levels in a Mario game, to the worst iteration of the Fire Flower. It was a valiant attempt at porting the entire Mario experience to handheld, but it just wasn't as good. 

10 - New Super Mario Bros 2 (3DS)

New Super Mario Bros was a breath of fresh air, and I'll get to it later, but it's sequel on the 3DS failed to pack any sort of punch. By filling the game with thousands and thousands of coins, it pointed out how trivial both the coin collection system had become, but lives became completely pointless, since you'd have well over thirty by the end of the first world. Compound that with a lack of challenging levels and a bunch of rehashes from NSMB and NSMB2 just isn't that great of a Mario game. It's enjoyable, sure, but there are so many better choices. 

9 - Super Mario Bros 2 (NES, SNES)

Ok, right off the bat, this game shouldn't even technically be on the list, since it's not really a Mario game. It's actually just a re-skin of a completely unrelated game called Doki Doki Panic. The story goes that Nintendo was worried that the actual Mario Bros 2 was to difficult for Western audiences, so they pallet-swapped this unknown game and sold it as Mario Bros 2. 

All that aside, it's not a totally bad game. I gets a bad rap because of how different it is from the rest of the series, but it did help to establish some things that have since become cannon, like Luigi's better jumping ability at the cost of control, or Peach's limited floating ability. Still, it's a weak platformer and the grab-and-throw mechanic doesn't really fit well with Mario, especially not on the NES. 

8 -  Lost Levels (SNES)

The actual followup to Super Mario Bros, only released in the west as part of the Mario All Stars pack for the SNES. Nintendo were worried it was to hard for Western audiences and they were kind of right. The Lost Levels are brutal, cranking the difficulty up to 11 almost immediately and only getting harder as you go. It plays just like the vanilla Mario, and that's great, but it's insanely hard, to the point where it stops being fun. 

7  - New Super Mario Bros. U (WiiU)

Much like the above mentioned NSMB2, this one is lower on the list for just being a follow-up to a better game. Good levels, and a Luigi-themed expansion pack, coupled with the four player multiplayer makes this a completely competent game, but it hardly utilizes it's hardware, and at best feels like an expansion pack for Mario Wii. There's nothing wrong with NSMBU, but there's nothing that really sets it apart either. 

6 - Mario Land 2 (Gameboy)

Mario Land 2 might be the most unknown game on this list, but that's a shame since it's really good. Completely disregarding the NES Mario games, ML2 wasn't afraid to put the Gameboy through it's paces. Using sprites from the recent SNES Mario title helped the game look better then it was, and as a potable Mario experience, it's amazing for it's time. 

5 - New Super Mario Bros. Wii (Wii)

Four player co-op Mario might be one of the best and worst ideas the series has ever had. The chaos and carnage created with Mario, Luigi, and two Toads on screen at the same time is something that has to be experienced for real. Not content to just let four people play Mario at the same time, NSMB Wii was a well balanced and well made Mario game that's just fun to play, either by yourself or with friends. 

4 - Mario Brothers (NES, SNES)

The original that started it all, created a legend, and made Nintendo a houshold name. Amazingly, the original Mario Bros holds up pretty well, even thirty years on. It's simplistic, crude, and short, but works in every way. People have often said that Nintendo is afraid to innovate, but that might be because they got it so right on the first try. The platforming in Mario is sublime, and it became the standard of all platformers to follow. 

3 - New Super Mario Brothers (DS)

"New" is something of an odd adjective to place in the title of this game, and yet it fits so well. NSMB was exactly what the Mario franchise needed after so many 3D outings, a complete tear down and return to form with a shiny new coat of paint, and that's exactly what this DS title offered. The gameplay was largely the same as the old Mario games, but it's what it added that made it stand out. The art style was an interesting mix of 3D models on a 2D plane that made the game look better then it really was, but it was the level design itself that stood out. Each level is memorable, even if it doesn't have any sort of gimmick, because of how well put together they are, using angles and shapes the old Mario games barely dreamed of. With plenty of secrets, collectibles, and a player VS player mode, this really is one of the all time best Mario games, best DS games, and best platformers ever made. 

2 - Mario Bros 3 (NES, SNES)

Creating so much of what would eventually become Mario standard, and kicking ass while doing it. Mario 3 was so good that it got it's own HD remake back before that was cool. The level design is a how-to of great design, with each level introducing a new challenge while still keeping in line with the world it exists in. Mario 3 also introduced the idea of non-linear level progression with the over-world map, and added mini-games into the mix as well. Never mind the fact that the game is just really fun to play, with a host of cool power-ups and items, awesomely surreal levels, challenging boss fights, and plenty to see and do. Mario 3 is legendary not only for what it introduced, but also for just being a really amazing game. 

1 - Super Mario World (SNES)

I have lost count of how many times I've beaten SMW. Seriously. It's been out for 25 years and I've beaten it so many times I can't remember any more. 

Super Mario World should be in a museum as a piece of art, and it's damn near perfect from ever angle. The art style is iconic, with expert sprite work that looks great and moves fluidly. The back grounds are colorful and varied, making each level feel different from each other. The platforming is nearly flawless, with jumps that will challenge you and the ability to glide opening up new possibility every few levels. 

It's the levels themselves, I think, that make SMW the masterpiece that it is. There's an obvious pace to the main levels, slowly introducing new ideas as you go and making you figure everything out. Even better is the amount of levels there are to unlock, with entire worlds hidden away behind mysterious keyholes and out of place pipes. 

I really could ramble on forever about what makes Super Mario World so great, but I'm afraid of being accused of having rose tinted glasses. I re-played Mario World again recently, just to see, and while my reflexes aren't what they were when I was seven, the game was still incredibly enjoyable. It's available on the E-shop now, and elsewhere if you know where to look, and I encourage anyone that enjoys Mario games, great design, wonderful artwork, or just a fun game to give it a try. 

Game Over

There it is, my ranking of the Mario 2d platformers. I'd rank the 3d games, but there's not really enough of them, so here it is in short order:

Mario Sunshine

Super Mario Wold Wii U

All of the other ones

Mario 64

Galaxy 2

Personally, to me, Mario is at his absolute best when it's in the 2D realm. Not that I have anything against the 3d games, but platforming just works better in 2D, and it always will. 

The more astute of you may have noticed there are some games missing. The Yoshi's Island series isn't on here since, despite Mario appearing as a baby, the games aren't really about Mario, and even the Nintendo Wiki puts them in a different category. Same goes for any game involving Wario, although he's in a completely different place now. 

All told, this is just my personal opinion on one of the greatest and longest running franchises in gamine. If you have differing opinions that's fine, it just means you're a human. At the end of the day, any Mario game is, to me, a good Mario game. 

Looking at: Nintendo E3 2015

... I have no goddamn idea what I just watched. Seriously. People said the Ubisoft show felt like it was powered by cocaine, but that was fucking War and Peace compared to what Nintendo just put me through.

It was fun though, and once again the tightly controlled nature of a Nintendo Direct broadcast worked well in their favor as they face-blasted us with announcements throughout. Alright, let's see what just happened:


Star Fox Zero

Starting off with muppets of Iwata, Myiamoto and Reggie was... and odd choice, but the strangeness exploded when the muppets all turned into Star Fox characters.

Fine, whatever, that just sets the tone for the rest of the show. The game itself looks amazing, a lot like Star Fox 64, which is exactly what we've all been asking for since Star Fox 64 came out.

Space combat looks refined, as it should, and will make use of both of the WiiU's screens, allowing for a cockpit view on the gamepad.

The big new thing is the ability to transform. There's the classic Arwing and landmaster, but also a new hovercraft and walker robot as well. It's unknown how these will affect gameplay, but you'll be allowed to transform in real time.

Regardless, it's nice to see not only the new Star Fox in action, but that it's keeping the gameplay of the classic games rather then... whatever the hell was Starfox Adventures.

Skylanders Super Charged

Skylanders is Amiibos for non-Nintendo consoles essentially, so it makes sense that there would be a crossover. Bowser and Donkey Kong, along with vehicles will be coming to the new Skylanders game, and will also be usable as Amiibos. It's kid's stuff, so I don't really know.

Zelda: Triforce Heroes

Another 3DS Zelda game. Taking some cues from Four Swords this game is multiplayer focused. Unlike Four Swords this time around it's only three players, for reasons explained below.

The three players will be able to form a totem to solve puzzles and fight enemies. Apparently four players were to much, and calling it Triforce Heroes actually makes sense for only three people.

There is a single player mod as well, where you use dolls as the other Links. It's a bit weird if you ask me.

The other gimmick is the idea of using costumes to customize Link's abilities, like bigger bombs or negating damage.

Hyrule Warriors Legends 3D

A port of Hyrule Warriors, the Dynasty Warriors type game using Zelda characters, over to the 3DS. This version comes packed with every bit of WiiU DLC, as well as two new characters from Windwaker: Tetra and the Red King.

A whole bunch of crazy

Ok, here's where we delve into madness, as Nintendo just sort of spitfire a bunch of things without talking about any of them.

First up is Metroid. It think it's going to be two metroid games, but I don't know. One of them is four player co-op shooting, then there was some sort of 3V3 soccer thing.

Then, something Fire Emblem related. It was all very VERY confusing. I don't even know what console it's for. I think there's werewolves?

It's very emotional.

Then there was something from Atlus. I think it's the SMT/ Fire Emblem game they teased as sort of a joke, but now it's real. This was all in Japanese so I have no goddamn idea.

There was J-Pop and it was confusing and people were yelling a lot.

Even more confusion

Things sort of settled when they decided to take more then a few seconds for a single game. The issue was that game was Xeno Blade Chronicles and the trailer still made no sense. There's monsters and fighting and Earth is fucked.

I haven't played a Xeno Blades game, but I know there's a lot of hype surrounded this new one. It sounds like a big single-player MMO, and I usually dig that sort of thing.

It reminded me of Monster Hunter in a lot of ways, and that's a compliment because I really enjoy the Monster Hunter games. We'll see when it hits stateside Dec. 5.

Animal Crossing

Finally things calmed right the hell down, in fact they came to a screeching halt with Animal Crossing. Two new AC games were announced, one for each Nintendo system.

First was AC: Home Designer. I can't tell if it's an actual AC game or just a minigame, but it looks like it's much more creatively involved then the last AC game, allowing you to customize every aspect of your town.

The other game was a Mario Party style board game set in the Animal Crossing universe for WiiU. I'm not sure if the AC games will make the appropriate leap, and there weren't any Mario Party style mini games shown off, so this might be a pass.

Yoshi: Woolly World

While I don't understand the move to fabric based gaming, I do understand how much I enjoy Yoshi's Island for the SNES. Yoshi's Woolly World looks like a return to form, complete with egg throwing mechanics, and that sounds cool.

There was also the reveal of the co-op mechanic, allowing you to eat and throw your partner as an egg. By Nintendo's own admission this is a platformer meant for everyone, but I dig it.

YoKai Watch

Really looked like Pokemon, as interpreted by Atlus. There's monsters and battling, I think.

Mario

The Paper Mario series has been dormant for a while, but it's coming back and seems to have collided head on with the Mario and Luigi RPG series. It makes sense they would combine the two Mario RPG franchises into one, and the possibilities of two sets of Mario brothers sound cool as hell.

Then we got a reveal for a new Mario Tennis.Tennis is one of the older Mario games, so it's nice to see it returning in HD.

It also looks like, as with the other Mario sports games, power-ups now play a part, as the players on the field used mushrooms to grow bigger during the match. Insert your own steroids joke here.

Finally Nintedo finished with an indepth look at Mario Make, a game I'm really excited for. Mario Maker isn't just a simple map maker for Mario, it really does look like a fully customizable Mario game engine.

They briefly showed off graphics from all types of Mario games, and showed how you could mix and match assets from every era of game. There's also some interesting stuff, like the ability to attach assets together to create enemy towers, or swimming Goombas.

We also got to see a behind the scenes look at the creative process for Mario games. Overall, Mario Maker looks amazing and I can't wait.

That's it for Nintendo. I should have the Square Write up soon, then finishing off with the PC Gaming show tonight.

Looking at: Super Mario Bros.

http://www.planet-science.com/umbraco/ImageGen.ashx?image=/media/101255/puking!.jpg&width=600&constrain=true

Don't ever Google search Puke at work.

There's been to much positivity on this blog of late. Rather odd, as I consider myself, and am considered, an angry individual. Hell, even Call of Duty managed to not piss me I decided today to turn that around. Today, we're looking at a movie that changed me, a movie that moved me. 

A movie that ruined my fucking life. 

It's a Blast!

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R.I.P

This was not Nintendo's first attempt at moving Mario into the world of multimedia. The Super Mario Brother's Super Show ran for about a year in 1989. The Zelda show, a spinoff of Super Show ran for thirteen episodes at this time too. There was a sequel of sorts in The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 in 1990, along with the Captain N. cartoon.

http://assets.hulu.com/shows/key_art_the_legend_of_zelda.jpg

"Well excuuuuuuuse me princess!" -an Asshole.

None of these are any good, but there's a certain charm to most of them that a lot of 80's and 90's cartoons tend to get. There was a certain reverence for their source material, like they wanted to be part of a non-existent cannon. To a certain degree all these shows succeeded with the Zelda show in particular influencing ideas that would appear in later games including Link owning a horse, and an unstated understanding to Link and Zelda's relationship that has yet to be properly explored in the games.

http://thepunkeffect.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Captain-N.jpg

Still waiting for the gritty reboot.

Most of all the shows were fun, made by people that seemed to really like what they were doing. Lou Albano and Danny Wells seem to have fun as Mario and Luigi, and their bumbling antics have a certain charm to them that's hard to deny, as long as you remember it was for kids.

Overall, the old shows weren't any good, and don't hold up for a second. But at least they're inoffensive and understand their source material.

This ain't no Game

http://s7.computerhistory.org/is/image/CHM/102712896-03-01?$re-inline-artifact$

"It's a blast!" -an Asshole.

Super Mario Bros. (the movie. I won't be referencing the NES classic here) came out in 1993, but I didn't watch it till 1999, since I was only one in '93. I started playing video games when I was about five or six, so when I found an ad for a Mario Brothers movie in an old Archie comic I was ecstatic. I'd already seen The Wizard and thought "That was good, this HAS to be better".

Yes, I thought The Wizard was good, and I still think it's a fun kid's movie with a lot of early 90's charm.

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s--_kv1cex8--/18sr5b6vshvy5jpg.jpg

Pictured: A Goomba. 

Not Pictured: my tears.

Finding a copy of Mario Brothers was oddly hard, like the stoned teen running the video store knew that someone like me would want to watch it. Regardless, we eventually tracked a copy of Mario Brothers down, popped it into the VCR, grabbed a bowl of raisins and chocolate chips, and watched.

And we were mortified.

When I was seven I didn't think I'd ever become involved with the world of film making. All I knew was I had a crush on a girl in my class, candy was awesome, and Mario was the king of video games.

But I knew that was a bad fucking movie.

Everything was wrong with it. Where were the colorful, fun filled adventures of Mario and Luigi? Where was the regal Princess Peach, or even Princess Daisy? Where the hell was Yoshi? And why is that freaky looking bald guy calling himself Bowser? He's not Bowser, Bowser's a dinosaur. Where are the Koopas, Goombas, power mushrooms or fire flowers?

Where was my Super Mario Brothers?

I'm lucky to have never been molested in my life, but that movie definitely did something to me. My crush faded, replaced by a lack of love all together. Candy started tasting bittersweet, no matter how much I ate. And Mario?

Mario Sucked.


Live Action Thrill Ride

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These men are drunk as hell.

It took me fifteen years to watch this movie a second time. In that time I had gotten more into video games, learned what makes games good, and what makes them bad. More importantly, I went through three years of film school, learning all I could about the film making trade, giving me a more discerning eye when it came to watching movies.

Fifteen years later, and the Mario movie still sucks.

The most glaring issue is it's lack of basic understanding about... everything. While the series has rarely discussed any sort of cannon for the Mario Brothers, it's generally accepted that they were a pair of plumbers that wound up in the Mushroom Kingdom, and stomped, hammered, and jumped their way to rescuing the kingdom and saving the princess from the evil Koopa King Bowser. It's a well known plot that the games rarely deviate from.

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Dinohatten, worse then the real world New York.

Here we find the Brothers as dirt poor plumbers, barely able to pay rent. Hey kids! Your hero's are deadbeats! Luigi falls in love with a mysterious woman named Daisy, while Mario dates an aged whore. Both women are captured and taken into the sewers and the Brothers jump through an inter-dimensional wormhole to save them.

Ok, so far a little weird, but you can make it work.

They wind in a cyberpunk future world with sparks flying out of everywhere. The land is ruled by the evil dictator Bowser and all the people are evolved from dinosaurs. It's revealed that Daisy is actually a princess meant to rule this land, and she holds the key to uniting earth and this shitty earth together. Mario and Luigi, along with a character only referred to in the credits as Toad, confront Bowser, who reveals his de-evolution gun that devolves people back to their evolutionary base. Bowser turns Toad into a Goomba and the Brothers barely escape. From there they acquire super jump boots, forget they have super jump boots, kidnap a couple of idiots, and blow some stuff up. There's a twist when they find out that the fungus slowly covering the city is Daisy's long lost father, but that's dumb. There's a battle, references to the game, and a guy is transformed into a monkey.

This movie is so confused about what it should be about. Nothing looks like what it should, and it comes across as very scatterbrained and borderline psychotic.

Fuck you John Leguizamo

http://www.superluigibros.com/images/smbmovie_images/koopa_struggling_to_aim.jpg

Dennis Hopper, realizing where he is.

As for the cast? Bob Hopskins plays Mario, and does a serviceable job because Bob Hopskins was a decently good actor. He clearly didn't know what the hell he was working on, a fact backed up by this IMDB quote:

"Bob Hoskins didn't know that the film he was making was based on a game, until his son asked him what he was working on. When Hoskins mentioned the film's title, his son immediately recognized it and showed Hoskins the game on his own Nintendo."

Oh, that's a good sign, when your lead actor has no idea what he's acting in. Reportedly, Hopskins and Leguizamo hated the movie so much they were drunk for a good chunk of this. I can't blame everything on Hopskins, since for most of the movie his hand was in a cast. 


Good lord, a drunken cripple as the lead in a kids movie. Can it get worse?

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Samantha Mathis plays Daisy, doing an impression of every viewer of this film.

It can in the form of Dennis Hopper's Bowser. Hopper, like Hopskins, clearly has no idea what's going on. He just knows he's the bad guy, and rolls with that. He oozes sleaze, and there's a real uncomfortable feeling whenever he's on screen. Hopper has since, like most of the cast and crew, called it the worst movie he's ever done. 

Then there's John fucking Leguizamo. Leguizamo is in three of my least favorite movies (Mario, Pest, and The Happening), and as far as actors go he's down there with Dennis Quaid for my most hated. Between being drunk, being annoying, and having zero chemistry with anyone else on set, his version of Luigi is a far cry from the lovable looser we now have. His on screen performance is like watching a man beat a puppy to death in front of children, and should be lauded as a how not to act for a kid's movie. 

Down the Drain

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My review, the short version.

There's a host of other issues to, including the director's clear lack of experience, a borderline suicidal crew, and daily re-writes that were ignored. None of the characters are interesting, the set design is horrible, the lighting is off on every shot, and the music barely fits the mood. 

Most bad movies have at least something good to them. Movies like The Room or Manos are so bad they become funny, and act as guides on what not to do in film making. But Mario Brothers is just bad, an absolute bastardization of a beloved franchises. Like the hotel Mario games for the Philip's CDi, Nintendo refuses to acknowledge this film, and it remains a black spot on their reputation. 

Mario Brother's was the first movie based on a video game, and for some reason it wasn't the last. Maybe one day video games will produce a movie worth watching, with some hopeful contenders in the Ratchet and Clank movie, The Last of Us movie, and an unannounced possible Read Dead Redemption movie. Until then, we'll always have the Brothers, reminding us that maybe it's not always ok to Do the Mario.