Looking at: Nintendo E3 2015

... I have no goddamn idea what I just watched. Seriously. People said the Ubisoft show felt like it was powered by cocaine, but that was fucking War and Peace compared to what Nintendo just put me through.

It was fun though, and once again the tightly controlled nature of a Nintendo Direct broadcast worked well in their favor as they face-blasted us with announcements throughout. Alright, let's see what just happened:


Star Fox Zero

Starting off with muppets of Iwata, Myiamoto and Reggie was... and odd choice, but the strangeness exploded when the muppets all turned into Star Fox characters.

Fine, whatever, that just sets the tone for the rest of the show. The game itself looks amazing, a lot like Star Fox 64, which is exactly what we've all been asking for since Star Fox 64 came out.

Space combat looks refined, as it should, and will make use of both of the WiiU's screens, allowing for a cockpit view on the gamepad.

The big new thing is the ability to transform. There's the classic Arwing and landmaster, but also a new hovercraft and walker robot as well. It's unknown how these will affect gameplay, but you'll be allowed to transform in real time.

Regardless, it's nice to see not only the new Star Fox in action, but that it's keeping the gameplay of the classic games rather then... whatever the hell was Starfox Adventures.

Skylanders Super Charged

Skylanders is Amiibos for non-Nintendo consoles essentially, so it makes sense that there would be a crossover. Bowser and Donkey Kong, along with vehicles will be coming to the new Skylanders game, and will also be usable as Amiibos. It's kid's stuff, so I don't really know.

Zelda: Triforce Heroes

Another 3DS Zelda game. Taking some cues from Four Swords this game is multiplayer focused. Unlike Four Swords this time around it's only three players, for reasons explained below.

The three players will be able to form a totem to solve puzzles and fight enemies. Apparently four players were to much, and calling it Triforce Heroes actually makes sense for only three people.

There is a single player mod as well, where you use dolls as the other Links. It's a bit weird if you ask me.

The other gimmick is the idea of using costumes to customize Link's abilities, like bigger bombs or negating damage.

Hyrule Warriors Legends 3D

A port of Hyrule Warriors, the Dynasty Warriors type game using Zelda characters, over to the 3DS. This version comes packed with every bit of WiiU DLC, as well as two new characters from Windwaker: Tetra and the Red King.

A whole bunch of crazy

Ok, here's where we delve into madness, as Nintendo just sort of spitfire a bunch of things without talking about any of them.

First up is Metroid. It think it's going to be two metroid games, but I don't know. One of them is four player co-op shooting, then there was some sort of 3V3 soccer thing.

Then, something Fire Emblem related. It was all very VERY confusing. I don't even know what console it's for. I think there's werewolves?

It's very emotional.

Then there was something from Atlus. I think it's the SMT/ Fire Emblem game they teased as sort of a joke, but now it's real. This was all in Japanese so I have no goddamn idea.

There was J-Pop and it was confusing and people were yelling a lot.

Even more confusion

Things sort of settled when they decided to take more then a few seconds for a single game. The issue was that game was Xeno Blade Chronicles and the trailer still made no sense. There's monsters and fighting and Earth is fucked.

I haven't played a Xeno Blades game, but I know there's a lot of hype surrounded this new one. It sounds like a big single-player MMO, and I usually dig that sort of thing.

It reminded me of Monster Hunter in a lot of ways, and that's a compliment because I really enjoy the Monster Hunter games. We'll see when it hits stateside Dec. 5.

Animal Crossing

Finally things calmed right the hell down, in fact they came to a screeching halt with Animal Crossing. Two new AC games were announced, one for each Nintendo system.

First was AC: Home Designer. I can't tell if it's an actual AC game or just a minigame, but it looks like it's much more creatively involved then the last AC game, allowing you to customize every aspect of your town.

The other game was a Mario Party style board game set in the Animal Crossing universe for WiiU. I'm not sure if the AC games will make the appropriate leap, and there weren't any Mario Party style mini games shown off, so this might be a pass.

Yoshi: Woolly World

While I don't understand the move to fabric based gaming, I do understand how much I enjoy Yoshi's Island for the SNES. Yoshi's Woolly World looks like a return to form, complete with egg throwing mechanics, and that sounds cool.

There was also the reveal of the co-op mechanic, allowing you to eat and throw your partner as an egg. By Nintendo's own admission this is a platformer meant for everyone, but I dig it.

YoKai Watch

Really looked like Pokemon, as interpreted by Atlus. There's monsters and battling, I think.

Mario

The Paper Mario series has been dormant for a while, but it's coming back and seems to have collided head on with the Mario and Luigi RPG series. It makes sense they would combine the two Mario RPG franchises into one, and the possibilities of two sets of Mario brothers sound cool as hell.

Then we got a reveal for a new Mario Tennis.Tennis is one of the older Mario games, so it's nice to see it returning in HD.

It also looks like, as with the other Mario sports games, power-ups now play a part, as the players on the field used mushrooms to grow bigger during the match. Insert your own steroids joke here.

Finally Nintedo finished with an indepth look at Mario Make, a game I'm really excited for. Mario Maker isn't just a simple map maker for Mario, it really does look like a fully customizable Mario game engine.

They briefly showed off graphics from all types of Mario games, and showed how you could mix and match assets from every era of game. There's also some interesting stuff, like the ability to attach assets together to create enemy towers, or swimming Goombas.

We also got to see a behind the scenes look at the creative process for Mario games. Overall, Mario Maker looks amazing and I can't wait.

That's it for Nintendo. I should have the Square Write up soon, then finishing off with the PC Gaming show tonight.

looking at: The Legend of the Titanic

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Nearer my God to Thee

https://somekindofmoviesadist.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/titanic5.png

Elizabeth learning that she can speak to animals, as well as one of the, apparently flying dolphins.

On the evening of April 14, 1912 the Titanic, long thought the greatest vessel ever built, struck an iceberg and, over the course of almost three hours, sank to the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. 1500 people lost their lives in the dark, icy abyss and it remains, even today, one of the worst nautical disasters in history.

Except apparently that was all just a "misunderstanding" and none of that really happened because a couple of talking mice, a super intelligent dog, a British heiress and her Gypsy prince lover, along with talking magical dolphins and the goddamn Kraken managed to save everyone from the evil whaler and his scheming shark friends.

I assure I did not just suffer a stroke. What I did just suffer was watching Italy butcher, not only one of the worst nautical tragedies of all time, but also the art of animation at the same time.

Mouse Overboard

http://thegreatwhitedope.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/titanic21.jpg

The adorable Kraken, sinker of ships and destroyer of all he sees fit.

The story is told by our main character, a mouse named Connors, telling the tale of the Titanic to his grandkids since he was on the Titanic. Basically, while the humans were boarding the Titanic, so too were a shitload of mice. Conners is a sailor of some sort, who falls in love with a girl mouse and becomes friends with her Brazilian soccer playing little brother who's name is apparently Ronny.

Meanwhile Elizabeth, the daughter of a British Duke, is lamenting at the idea of marrying a guy that looks an awful lot like Phil Ken Sebben. Also, there's a Gypsy prince hanging out with his super intelligent dog. Elizabeth and Don Juan (seriously) fall in love immediately too, but their love can never be because they are just two different people.

If this sound familiar that's because this is a really, REALLY messed up version of the plot of James Cameron's magnus opus from two years prior.

Anyway, some stupid stuff happens, and the mice learn that the whaling dude Elizabeth is supposed to marry is super evil, and Elizabeth gains the ability to speak to animals because magic, and then Don Juan learns to speak with animals because magic, and the Phil Ken Sebben looking dude is super evil. Eventually he does away with subtlety and hires his shark friends to sink the ship.

Did I mention that, for no explained reason, the American whaling magnate can speak to, and control, sharks? Sharks that all speak with a Brooklyn accent and wear prison clothes? No, good.

The sharks convince the Kraken, who looks suspiciously like a mouse himself, to hurl an iceberg at the Titanic and the ship does what it's best known for and starts sinking. Tentacles, the fucking beast of the abyss, feels bad and decides to save everyone on the Titanic from their watery graves. He apparently dies, and so does a character that we're supposed to know and love, but everyone else gets out ok.

Finally in New York the survivors (read: everyone because no one died apparently) gather for Elizabeth and Don's wedding, and also the mice have a wedding too because why not. Then it;s revealed that Tentacles, horror to every sea man and terror of the seven seas, is actually alive, and so is that mouse that died. Everyone is happy and there's a party and the end.

Che cazzo, anche?

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The look of slack-jawed horror mirroring my own.

"When I think of Italy the first thing that pops into my head is definitely their animation!"
Is a sentence that no one has ever uttered. The art style and animation are both clearly attempts at Japanese anime, but without any of the style or ability that the medium can provide. Characters don't look horrible when their not moving, which is unfortunate because they're constantly moving. Animation looks weird, like it was animated well below the normal 24fps of an anime, then sped up to match it, then had some frames removed for no reason.

There is no lip sync whatsoever. None. For the mice their mouths are wide open whenever they're speaking, making it seem as though their lines are just guttural utterances spilling from the endless void. Humans fair a little better, but it's still never correct. I realize that, like most anime, this movie wasn't made for English and that trying to match English lines over characters speaking a different language is difficult, but most animes, even shitty ones, manage to at least give it a try. Here the mouths just open and close randomly, no where near in time with what's being spoken, so half the dialogue comes out despite the character's mouth actually being open.

The plot, as recapped above, is obviously insane, but what's worse is the audacity this film has and the blatant disregard for anything factual about the Titanic. Listing the historical inacuracies would take me a whole other article, so let's just stick with the most insane:

* The explanation for how Elizabeth get's her ability to speak to mice is that her tear split a moon beam in half and the dolphins cast magic on it.

* Because of that Don Juan can speak with animals because "their souls are intertwined" or something.

* This is disregarded because for no reason Elizabeth's father can perfectly understand the mice later.

* The ship's captain is, at best, unqualified for his job. For no reason he tells the crew to reduce speed to half. When the ship hits the iceberg he immediately incites panic and does nothing to help.

* The mice decide the best way to stop a transmission from going out is to completely wreck all of the ship's internal wiring. When the shop starts sinking one of the mice decides to sacrifice himself to save everyone by acting as a wire (more specifically his mustache acts as the wire). He dies, but not really because he comes back with no explanation, even after the ship sinks.

* Despite jumping into the freezing Atlantic, none of the characters are cold, or even wet, when emerging.

* Accepting that everyone was saved by the Kraken -which is insane but ok- the film still has the audacity to have the band play "Nearer my God to Thee" which is what the actual Titanic band played as they sank into the ocean.

Sinking Ship

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HA HA! Whaling!

The Legend of the Titanic is an impressively terrible film, one that surpassed my expectations and resides in the depths of bad movie hell alongside Food-Fight for worst animated feature. It's an unbearable, uncomfortable watch and absolutely psychotic to boot.

What's worse is that while watching this movie and doing research on it, I was informed that, for reasons unknown, this is actually one of three different, unconnected Italian animations concerning the Titanic. It's the worst one to boot, but by how much remains to be seen. Join me again when the legend continues.